Alright, fine. Have it your way, internet. I wasn’t going to announce this until January, but since you’re all starting to repeat each other in the Amazon reviews for OBSESSIVE….I give you the answer to that burning question:
Q: What happens next with Grant & Tash?
A: (Look to the left, jack-wad.)
Have you ever done something irrational, something courageous and impulsive, and immediately afterword you’re like “Whelp, I definitely should not have fucking done THAT thing”?
This is the story of what happens when your ENTIRE life is one spectacular, unprecedented fuckup after another.
My name is Tash Bohner. (It’s pronounced /BAH-ner/, jerkoff.) And I’m here to tell you what you really, really don’t want to hear.
Lesson One: Sometimes, when life gives you lemons, you can’t make lemonade. You just have to suck it up and pretend you like nasty, bitter fruit that looks like donkey piss and smells like Mr. Clean.
Lesson Two: There is NO SUCH THING as a ‘Happily Ever After.’ Happiness is a choice, and you have to make it every day. Sometimes, it’s okay to choose not to be happy, as long as you don’t go around making everyone else feel shitty while you’re at it. Because that is called being a gigantic doucheface. And nobody likes a doucheface.
Lesson Three (and pay attention, because this one is the most important): Sometimes, the people you love more than anything in the world, the ones you rely on most, the ones you’d do anything for…they screw up. They let you down. Most of the time, when that happens, it’s not about you. Even if it feels like the whole world is out to get you, it really only feels that way.
Except, on the rarest and shittiest of occasions, when the whole world really is out to get you….
PROBLEMATIC (Issues Series, Book Two…and a Half) – Coming Summer 2015!
YOU are the weapon, the tool and the cure. YOU are the answer to "What now?"
The truth is, children, you can’t win over everyone.
You could be the world’s juiciest, most delicious peach,
And still there would be at least one person out there
Who HATES peaches.
You could be Ghandi,
Making the world a better place by example,
And someone would call you
A big, fat faker.
You could be the most heroic fireman
The world has ever seen,
With a 99.99% save rate,
And someone would condemn you
For that one person you couldn’t save.
Sometimes, people are ungrateful.
Sometimes, people are assholes.
Most of the time, they won’t “get” you.
But then, that’s not their job, is it?
Actually, it’s YOURS.
So go out there and get some more you,
You glorious, unique, 100% original,
Magical, unicorn-like bastard, you.
Oh, Dish Network.
I wish I could quit you.
Not because I love you
Or because you occupy
All my waking thoughts
And fulfill my deepest needs.
I tried to quit you
For about two hours.
Begging and pleading
With every fiber of my being,
“Please, just let me go.”
But you wouldn’t listen
No matter how hard I tried
My tears were useless.
Pattering on deaf ears.
You said I could depend on you,
That you’d never leave me.
I should have realized,
I should have understood,
That what you actually meant,
Was you would NEVER
LET ME LEAVE YOU.
NOT WHILE THERE WAS BREATH IN MY LUNGS.
Or strength in my fingertips,
To dial the phone,
Or battery in that phone,
To slowly rot on HOLD,
While my life cheerfully
Passed me by.
Your abuse has many faces,
Many names, all of them aliases.
First “Sharon,” then “C.J” then “Bill.”
All of them lies,
Masks created to deceive and control
While you string me along, INDEFINITELY.
Oh, Dish Network.
I wish I could quit you.
Not because I can’t live
Without you in my life.
But because you won’t
FUCKING LET ME LEAVE.
Today, I was struggling with something a lot (I daresay, all) of writers experience at one time or another in their careers: the “Why in T.F. am I doing this?” phase.
In a cruel twist of irony, as I faced this struggle head-on and decided to do what I do best–write my way through it–I found myself having a hard time coming up with the words to accurately describe how it feels.
Fortunately, as is usually the case during these brushes with literary defeat, one of my fellow writers came to the rescue with this little gem:
“Writing is a career that offers a tireless parade of moments emblazoned with self-doubt and uncertainty where you’re forced to ever reevaluate who you are and why you do this. You’ll often have to hold up your dream and examine it in the harsh light of day just to see how substantial it really is.
You have to look and say, “How far am I willing to go with this?”
Don’t worry about what some asshole on the Internet — ahem, me — says. You know the truth of your dream. You know whether or not you have the stones to carry it forward.
You want to be a writer? Then commit. You want to keep riding this dream pony? Then buckle the fuck up. Because writing is about patience and perseverance and above all else, writing through the nonsense.
Because writing takes more than wanting to be a writer. Writing isn’t about making money or reading writing blogs or seeing your name in print. Those things will come, but they’re side effects.
Writing is about writing.” – Chuck Wendig, on TerribleMinds.com
That’s the ugly truth about being a writer. Sometimes, you forget what it’s about. Or, you can’t see the point of it all anymore, through all the B.S. and all the “other” things modern-day writers are expected to do in order to be successful. Sometimes, you can’t find the words, not even with two hands and a map.
But that’s when you stop feeling sorry for yourself, and you go out and find someone who can remind you Why in T.F. you’re doing this. Then you pull yourself up by your argyle knee-socks and begin your search again. Hopefully, with a bit more chutzpah and panache.
So, for today, I’ll just say THANK YOU Chuck. Today, you are my hero.
When someone is well-spoken,
Or an exemplary writer,
Or particularly good with verbs, adjectives, etc.
We tend to tell them,
"You have a way with words."
And that makes them special
Because words are important.
Some might say crucial,
But sometimes, they're worthless.
"Words are wind," one wordsmith wrote.
Another said, "Words are a drug."
They're useless without action
As many will tell you,
Words can be empty, or full.
Empty promises are just gift-wrapped lies
And if someone lies often enough
We call them "full of it."
But what is fiction, if not a collection
Of carefully-cobbled lies?
They tell us, "The Truth shall set you free,"
But what if it's true that
Truth is "stranger than fiction,"
And words are more powerful,
Much more dangerous than we think they are?
Then it seems my mind is a ticking time bomb,
My mouth is a loaded gun,
Loaded with words, incendiary truths,
Weapons of mass instruction
That might go off at any minute.
I've always had a way with words.
Or, so they tell me, since I was young.
But now, I think maybe they had it all wrong.
Always had their way with me.
I'm really trying not to be a downer here, you guys, but in the interest of full disclosure and frequency of blogging, I must tell you that my life has taken a turn for the WTF. Like, what are you doing, life? Seriously. Life. Stahp.
Anyway, here's what I've learned this week:
1. Rock bottom is completely subjective, because as most geologists will tell you, rock is not impenetrable. BUT on the upside, if you dig deep enough, you'll eventually travel all the way through the earth's core and end up on the other side. Hopefully in Australia. G'day, mate! Have yourself a Foster's!
2. I really can't say this enough (even though technically Freud said it first): "We are never so helpless against suffering as when we love." No superhero is ever truly invincible for this reason, because they all have people they care about. Thus, they all have weaknesses. The trick is to realize that the people you love are just as scared of losing you as you are of losing them. So give yourself a break, Superman. Have a Fuzzy Navel, or something.
3. Things are just things. In the end, nothing (as in, NO-thing) is worth losing your freedom, or your self-respect over. (Except for maybe a really nice bottle of wine, in which case you can temporarily trade your self-respect for a really unforgettable night and some hilarious stories.) Just kidding. Kind of.
So. That's it for today. Dasvidaniya, motherf**ers!!!
Here's what I've learned this week:
It's never a good idea to be in AWE of another human being.
Respect, yes. Befriend, totally. Strive to understand where they're coming from and what makes them tick, absolutely.
But worship, idolize, idealize...NEVER.
Because the moment you place someone up on a pedestal as any kind of superlative--whether it's 'best,' or 'strongest,' or 'nicest,' or 'most likely to ______'--you're setting them up for failure.
Worst of all, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
Which leads to resentment....
And eventually anger.
Then, finally, some modicum of hate.
And hatred, as we all know, is the path to the Dark Side.
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Once upon a time, there was a girl who wanted to change the world. So she tried. She did her best. But it was difficult, and painful, and frustrating.
So she thought, "I'll build my own world, and change that." But then, she thought, "Why stop there? Why not build a whole collection of little worlds, all based on the one I live in now?"
That's the story of how the girl became lost, and was never found again....